I did not set out to make this documentary initially. It sort of birthed itself out of the clarity of hindsight.
I was attempting to create 25 minutes of behind-the-scenes supplemental material for my second feature film, Gouge Away for its forthcoming Blu-ray release. But as I sorted through the hours and hours of media, something else started taking shape.
It was partially the result of keeping a video journal for as long as I have. For me, the mind has always moved faster than both pen and paper can accommodate, and so over a decade and a half ago, I started a video journal. It’s nothing more than personal video blog entries - not meant to be shared or posted anywhere, only to occasionally reflect on, in solitude.
When the mood strikes me, I “check in” with my video journal, and discuss what is going on in my life. I have hundreds of them, varying in length. It's also been a great therapeutic outlet to sort of take inventory of my headspace, whether it is some big thing or the tiniest of minutiae. I know I will never watch all of it or most of it, but still, if there is an entry for say… Tuesday, July 12th, 2013 (a random date I just pulled out of the air)
I could tell you what I was doing, how I was feeling, what recently happened, the location, what I was wearing… It’s pretty cool. Weirdly, it is the closest thing to time traveling into the past, if that is something you were ever curious about. It’s not for everybody, but It has been a rewarding experience to look back and sort of take inventory of a particular time or place.
What does this have to do with the documentary?
I’ve learned that editing is not just about how something is cut together, but also what one chooses to cut out as well, and clearly I have that work cut out for me.
I began to see a story emerging that was far bigger than just the potpourri of BTS footage dropping into the Adobe Premiere timeline. My film, Gouge Away, is actually a loose sequel to another film that was meant to be my second narrative feature, called Wash Away. Wash Away was never completed due to the Covid 19 pandemic. Our first shooting weekend was March 6-8, 2020. By March 12, 2020, the world had begun to shut down as it entered quarantine.
What happened next was the result of this feeling that has been an overarching theme throughout my life. It comes in various flavors that all branch out from this primal emotion. It's some sort of force, for lack of a better explanation. It’s something that I have learned to channel into my creative life. Something I can draw strength from. It ascended to another level when I started making feature films. I used to think it was some shade of anger, but that word never fit, just as many other words didn’t fit.
If you love American Movie, you may appreciate Kuyashii Gonzo. I am both the “Mark” and the filmmaker making the doc, at different points on the timeline. Editing as a result has been challenging sometimes.
It wasn’t until very recently that I learned why: There is no English word that can properly describe the emotion! And I am not fluent in any other language besides English…
That feeling is something called KUYASHII 悔しい in Japanese.
What is KUYASHII 悔しい ?
Almost a year and a half after the “failure” brought on by the pandemic, with unemployment, and death to follow - I was struck with great inspiration. I wasn’t sure if it was ever going to come. It was like being struck by lightning, and it brought forth this rage-like sensation of refusing to give up. It was the Kuyashii 悔しい and it moved through me like an electrical current. I can tap into it - bringing focus through purpose and passion. This beautiful word, Kuyashii 悔しい, gave me the means to express something I always felt inside of me.
With this new perspective and resolve, I was able to resurrect Wash Away into Gouge Away, and in another year, I pseudo-finished what I had started and had its premiere at the Alamo Drafthouse, my favorite movie theater. The entire journey was captured in the video journals. I just had to sift through and find all the puzzle pieces.
And so, everything else was put on pause to feverishly sculpt this three-act story, told in two parts. Part one is Blood Visions: The Death of Wash Away, and part two is Chaos Magic: The Birth of Gouge Away.
I am very proud of this very gonzo documentary.
You are going to hit walls in life.
Sometimes you cannot find a way over them. Sometimes you have to walk away.
And sometimes, you just need to take a rest and let the mud settle.
Allow the lightning to strike, allow the Kuyashii 悔しい to flow through you…
NEVER GIVE UP.
Watch it here: Coming Soon.